You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So. Much. Porn.
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