Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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