Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
