I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
