Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
