Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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