I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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