he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
