remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
