I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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