remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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