In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
