They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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