I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
