Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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