life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
