So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
