his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
