i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
