you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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