I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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