No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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