Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
