Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
