I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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