is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
