Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
