you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
