i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
