I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
