yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
