does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
