By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
