Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
not ubering you a puppy
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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