Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
