he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
