FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
