Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
