I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
