You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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