Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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