In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
