That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
