Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
