Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
