I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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