Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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