My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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