Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
