Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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