I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
