The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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