I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
