I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
