Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You took a bar mat shot.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Randomize
