Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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