Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
