When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
