I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
are you still at the devil's house?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They took my balls.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
