I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize